A Prayer

Dear God, You are my Lord and my Savior. You took me out of a dark and scary place Lord. A place where all I could see was my own pain and my own anger and my own needs and my own desires. You took me away from the pit that I put myself in Lord.
I am lying here trying to pray to you. Speaking words that I feel so deeply in my heart and yet the words seem useless coming out of my mouth. Maybe it is because I am more of a writer than a speaker Lord. Maybe it is because things make more sense to me when I write them down and they seem more permanent.  I have just never felt like this God, but you know that, you know that Lord because you made me, you put me on this earth to be the person that I am.
You did not make me to harm me, people did that. You did not make me to see me suffer, I did that. You did not put me here to be a negative influence on my children or to destroy my husband, I did that too. No Lord, You made me strong and resilient. You made me intelligent and insightful. You made me compassionate and loving. You made a wonderful, caring person, but I let the darkness in Lord. I let evil into my heart. I allowed it to infect my thinking and my relationships. I allowed it to work through me to hurt the ones I love most in THIS world Lord God. You gave us your only son. You sacrificed Him for our salvation. You allowed Your own Son to suffer for us, so what has my suffering been compared to what YOUR son went through.  It was nothing, it was a test of my faith and I failed.  It was a fire to strengthen my will and my resolve so that one day I could be a mighty testimony to the work You can do. The power that you wield is so mighty Lord. It is LOVE, pure and simple and powerful LOVE.


You know who I am Lord, you know I am weak and you know that without you I would fall apart. You brought people into my life to help me through this time. You did that knowing that they didn't believe in YOU. But You didn't let that stop YOU. You didn't let it sway YOU. No Lord God, you used those people around me to hold me up while you did a mighty work in me.


How do I say thank you for that? How do i repay your gifts to me? There just does not seem to be the words to express my sincere gratitude to you or my love for you.  I have come before you Lord God to thank you. To fall to my knees in supplication. To vow to be and do what ever you require of me Lord God.  You have allowed me to be cleansed of the anger and pain I have held onto for so long. You have cleared my thoughts and lightened my heart. You have allowed me to feel joe and love again... and all I have for you Lord God is my undying devotion. My promise to devote myself to you and spreading the Good News of what you can do in a poor wretched person's life.  Just to be given the opportunity to do any of your work is such a blessing for me Lord God, I don't even know where to start. I feel a bit intimidated right now because I just want to jump in with both feet. I think of all the things I could do to serve you Lord God. Maybe I can make sandwiches for the poor and homeless. Maybe I can bring them coffee or just allow them to use my phone if they need to call family. Maybe if I just gave them the opportunity to shower and gave them some decent clothes so that they could maybe go on job interviews.
My heart wants to help young women though Lord. My heart wants me to help them learn to trust themselves and respect themselves. My heart wants them to learn positive habits in their lives, build up their self esteem and help them escape being anything but their best selves.  So Lord, if this is something that You can see me doing in Your name, then please open the doors to make this possible. Please point me in the direction of whomever can get the right information quickly so that I can start school in January.
Lord, I lift my girls up to you. Aley, I think she really wants to believe in You Lord God. I think that she is suffering from the same type of depression that I did Lord God. I think she feels so out of control that she is trying to control EVERYTHING.  She will never be able to do it God and she will fall apart.. maybe it won't take her as long as it took me... but she really needs to get some help. So please be with me while I try to help her get the help she needs Lord God. I can only do it with your love and your support.
Amanda- God, she is still so young and so confused. she doesn't know which way is up.  I think she is afraid of sex Dear God. I think that it scares her and so she would rather turn to a feminine energy rather than be overwhelmed by male energy. God, please help me be a positive influence in her life. She is exactly the type of kid that I am looking to help in the near future.
Kate- I have no idea what Kate has going on Lord. I think she is trying to do adult things, but she is rather lost and confused, I just ask that  you imbue me with Your patience Lord to stand by her side and walk with her rather than grabbing her by the hand and dragging her.
Kim- I can't ask her for forgiveness any more Lord God, I can't because that is about me. I need to show her that I have really changed Lord God.  No apologies, no excuses, just, I realize I did this and I deeply and sincerely wanted to let you know how sorry I am for having done that to you.  
Then there is Joe, Lord. He doesn't know how much I love him, God. He has no clue to the real depth of my feelings and that is ok.  I just ask you, Lord to watch over him.  I ask that you guide me in how I talk to him and how I interact with him, Father. Help me to say and do the right things. Put the right intention behind my actions, Lord God. I have hurt him so much and I feel the need to be the one who helps him now. I don't know, Father, if that is you working in my heart or if that is just me. I want to believe this is what you want for me to be doing. I tell myself that if YOU were not behind my actions right now that I would be angry and hurt when he talk to me about Ellona, but I am not, Lord. I just feel compassion and I just want to say the right words to make him feel better. If that isn't YOU working in me then I don't know what is.  
Father, I ask so much of you, I know, but Luke says, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.".  So, Lord, I am asking, I am seeking and I am knocking.  Above all things, Father, I want to stay in Your Grace, I want to be in Your Will.  I do not wish to do anything against Your plan for me, all you need do is make it known to me and I will do it Lord, I will say it, I will be it.
I love you God, I thank You. I give what is left of my life to You. Do with it what you will and I will continue to praise Your Holy name, Lord God. My Savior, my Healer, my Redeemer.
AMEN