Day 5
Point to Ponder: Life is a test and a trust.
Verse: "Unless you are faithful in small matters, you won't be faithful in large ones." Luke 16:10a (NLT)
Question to Consider: What has happened to me recently that I now realize was a test from God? What are the greatest matters god has entrusted to me?
Well, what has happened to me recently, where to start? After years of a severe and all encompassing depression and an emotional breakdown which included the end of my marriage, I was finally able to open my heart to God. I realize now that God "broke" me so that I would need him more than I needed to protect myself. I thought I could do it on my own, I thought that I didn't need God, I was walking, no running away... God said,"NO, wait." There is to much to go into from the last few years of being tested, but I feel God continued to remind me of His faithfulness.
The fact that Joe has fallen in love with someone else and that he was with her before our marriage ended and went to her after our marriage ended was a huge test of my faith and my faith was still so new when I found out. Although I was hurt and shocked at first, I feel that God gave me the strength and the grace to deal with it in a mature and healthy way.
God, I know you love me. I know you have been here for me all along. I know all of this. I know you never want to harm me.. but I am hurting right now Lord. I am hurting deeply and I don't know if I can do this. I don't want to hurt anymore Lord. I want to feel joy and I want to feel and receive love. I don't want to feel insecure. I don't want to feel scared that I won't live up to someone else's image. Please dear Lord, please give me the strength to get through this. Please help me to not feel angry and resentful.. I need to be whole now. I need to not go back to that dark place again. I beg of you to help me, give me your strength. Fill me with YOUR perfect love. Fill me with the power to forgive Lord. Please, I need my family back. I need to be with them. Please help me to be a good mom and a wonderful wife Lord. Help me to pour all of my love and afection into Joe Lord. I want to be of service to him Lord. I want him to feel how wonderful I believe him to be...
Please help me...help me to just love him. I am begging you to help me put my family back together.
Thank you Lord Jesus. Thank you for your sacrifice. Thank you for hearing my prayers and for working on Joe's heart. Thank you for allowing him to feel that he at least wants to give this a chance again and help me to live up to his expectations.
I love you Father. I love YOU. I want to serve YOU. I want to be an example of YOUR love and your faithfulness.. please allow me to be that Father.
Please allow me to serve you.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Thursday, July 28, 2011
A Prayer
Dear God, You are my Lord and my Savior. You took me out of a dark and scary place Lord. A place where all I could see was my own pain and my own anger and my own needs and my own desires. You took me away from the pit that I put myself in Lord.
I am lying here trying to pray to you. Speaking words that I feel so deeply in my heart and yet the words seem useless coming out of my mouth. Maybe it is because I am more of a writer than a speaker Lord. Maybe it is because things make more sense to me when I write them down and they seem more permanent. I have just never felt like this God, but you know that, you know that Lord because you made me, you put me on this earth to be the person that I am.
You did not make me to harm me, people did that. You did not make me to see me suffer, I did that. You did not put me here to be a negative influence on my children or to destroy my husband, I did that too. No Lord, You made me strong and resilient. You made me intelligent and insightful. You made me compassionate and loving. You made a wonderful, caring person, but I let the darkness in Lord. I let evil into my heart. I allowed it to infect my thinking and my relationships. I allowed it to work through me to hurt the ones I love most in THIS world Lord God. You gave us your only son. You sacrificed Him for our salvation. You allowed Your own Son to suffer for us, so what has my suffering been compared to what YOUR son went through. It was nothing, it was a test of my faith and I failed. It was a fire to strengthen my will and my resolve so that one day I could be a mighty testimony to the work You can do. The power that you wield is so mighty Lord. It is LOVE, pure and simple and powerful LOVE.
You know who I am Lord, you know I am weak and you know that without you I would fall apart. You brought people into my life to help me through this time. You did that knowing that they didn't believe in YOU. But You didn't let that stop YOU. You didn't let it sway YOU. No Lord God, you used those people around me to hold me up while you did a mighty work in me.
How do I say thank you for that? How do i repay your gifts to me? There just does not seem to be the words to express my sincere gratitude to you or my love for you. I have come before you Lord God to thank you. To fall to my knees in supplication. To vow to be and do what ever you require of me Lord God. You have allowed me to be cleansed of the anger and pain I have held onto for so long. You have cleared my thoughts and lightened my heart. You have allowed me to feel joe and love again... and all I have for you Lord God is my undying devotion. My promise to devote myself to you and spreading the Good News of what you can do in a poor wretched person's life. Just to be given the opportunity to do any of your work is such a blessing for me Lord God, I don't even know where to start. I feel a bit intimidated right now because I just want to jump in with both feet. I think of all the things I could do to serve you Lord God. Maybe I can make sandwiches for the poor and homeless. Maybe I can bring them coffee or just allow them to use my phone if they need to call family. Maybe if I just gave them the opportunity to shower and gave them some decent clothes so that they could maybe go on job interviews.
My heart wants to help young women though Lord. My heart wants me to help them learn to trust themselves and respect themselves. My heart wants them to learn positive habits in their lives, build up their self esteem and help them escape being anything but their best selves. So Lord, if this is something that You can see me doing in Your name, then please open the doors to make this possible. Please point me in the direction of whomever can get the right information quickly so that I can start school in January.
Lord, I lift my girls up to you. Aley, I think she really wants to believe in You Lord God. I think that she is suffering from the same type of depression that I did Lord God. I think she feels so out of control that she is trying to control EVERYTHING. She will never be able to do it God and she will fall apart.. maybe it won't take her as long as it took me... but she really needs to get some help. So please be with me while I try to help her get the help she needs Lord God. I can only do it with your love and your support.
Amanda- God, she is still so young and so confused. she doesn't know which way is up. I think she is afraid of sex Dear God. I think that it scares her and so she would rather turn to a feminine energy rather than be overwhelmed by male energy. God, please help me be a positive influence in her life. She is exactly the type of kid that I am looking to help in the near future.
Kate- I have no idea what Kate has going on Lord. I think she is trying to do adult things, but she is rather lost and confused, I just ask that you imbue me with Your patience Lord to stand by her side and walk with her rather than grabbing her by the hand and dragging her.
Kim- I can't ask her for forgiveness any more Lord God, I can't because that is about me. I need to show her that I have really changed Lord God. No apologies, no excuses, just, I realize I did this and I deeply and sincerely wanted to let you know how sorry I am for having done that to you.
Then there is Joe, Lord. He doesn't know how much I love him, God. He has no clue to the real depth of my feelings and that is ok. I just ask you, Lord to watch over him. I ask that you guide me in how I talk to him and how I interact with him, Father. Help me to say and do the right things. Put the right intention behind my actions, Lord God. I have hurt him so much and I feel the need to be the one who helps him now. I don't know, Father, if that is you working in my heart or if that is just me. I want to believe this is what you want for me to be doing. I tell myself that if YOU were not behind my actions right now that I would be angry and hurt when he talk to me about Ellona, but I am not, Lord. I just feel compassion and I just want to say the right words to make him feel better. If that isn't YOU working in me then I don't know what is.
Father, I ask so much of you, I know, but Luke says, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.". So, Lord, I am asking, I am seeking and I am knocking. Above all things, Father, I want to stay in Your Grace, I want to be in Your Will. I do not wish to do anything against Your plan for me, all you need do is make it known to me and I will do it Lord, I will say it, I will be it.
I love you God, I thank You. I give what is left of my life to You. Do with it what you will and I will continue to praise Your Holy name, Lord God. My Savior, my Healer, my Redeemer.
AMEN
I am lying here trying to pray to you. Speaking words that I feel so deeply in my heart and yet the words seem useless coming out of my mouth. Maybe it is because I am more of a writer than a speaker Lord. Maybe it is because things make more sense to me when I write them down and they seem more permanent. I have just never felt like this God, but you know that, you know that Lord because you made me, you put me on this earth to be the person that I am.
You did not make me to harm me, people did that. You did not make me to see me suffer, I did that. You did not put me here to be a negative influence on my children or to destroy my husband, I did that too. No Lord, You made me strong and resilient. You made me intelligent and insightful. You made me compassionate and loving. You made a wonderful, caring person, but I let the darkness in Lord. I let evil into my heart. I allowed it to infect my thinking and my relationships. I allowed it to work through me to hurt the ones I love most in THIS world Lord God. You gave us your only son. You sacrificed Him for our salvation. You allowed Your own Son to suffer for us, so what has my suffering been compared to what YOUR son went through. It was nothing, it was a test of my faith and I failed. It was a fire to strengthen my will and my resolve so that one day I could be a mighty testimony to the work You can do. The power that you wield is so mighty Lord. It is LOVE, pure and simple and powerful LOVE.
You know who I am Lord, you know I am weak and you know that without you I would fall apart. You brought people into my life to help me through this time. You did that knowing that they didn't believe in YOU. But You didn't let that stop YOU. You didn't let it sway YOU. No Lord God, you used those people around me to hold me up while you did a mighty work in me.
How do I say thank you for that? How do i repay your gifts to me? There just does not seem to be the words to express my sincere gratitude to you or my love for you. I have come before you Lord God to thank you. To fall to my knees in supplication. To vow to be and do what ever you require of me Lord God. You have allowed me to be cleansed of the anger and pain I have held onto for so long. You have cleared my thoughts and lightened my heart. You have allowed me to feel joe and love again... and all I have for you Lord God is my undying devotion. My promise to devote myself to you and spreading the Good News of what you can do in a poor wretched person's life. Just to be given the opportunity to do any of your work is such a blessing for me Lord God, I don't even know where to start. I feel a bit intimidated right now because I just want to jump in with both feet. I think of all the things I could do to serve you Lord God. Maybe I can make sandwiches for the poor and homeless. Maybe I can bring them coffee or just allow them to use my phone if they need to call family. Maybe if I just gave them the opportunity to shower and gave them some decent clothes so that they could maybe go on job interviews.
My heart wants to help young women though Lord. My heart wants me to help them learn to trust themselves and respect themselves. My heart wants them to learn positive habits in their lives, build up their self esteem and help them escape being anything but their best selves. So Lord, if this is something that You can see me doing in Your name, then please open the doors to make this possible. Please point me in the direction of whomever can get the right information quickly so that I can start school in January.
Lord, I lift my girls up to you. Aley, I think she really wants to believe in You Lord God. I think that she is suffering from the same type of depression that I did Lord God. I think she feels so out of control that she is trying to control EVERYTHING. She will never be able to do it God and she will fall apart.. maybe it won't take her as long as it took me... but she really needs to get some help. So please be with me while I try to help her get the help she needs Lord God. I can only do it with your love and your support.
Amanda- God, she is still so young and so confused. she doesn't know which way is up. I think she is afraid of sex Dear God. I think that it scares her and so she would rather turn to a feminine energy rather than be overwhelmed by male energy. God, please help me be a positive influence in her life. She is exactly the type of kid that I am looking to help in the near future.
Kate- I have no idea what Kate has going on Lord. I think she is trying to do adult things, but she is rather lost and confused, I just ask that you imbue me with Your patience Lord to stand by her side and walk with her rather than grabbing her by the hand and dragging her.
Kim- I can't ask her for forgiveness any more Lord God, I can't because that is about me. I need to show her that I have really changed Lord God. No apologies, no excuses, just, I realize I did this and I deeply and sincerely wanted to let you know how sorry I am for having done that to you.
Then there is Joe, Lord. He doesn't know how much I love him, God. He has no clue to the real depth of my feelings and that is ok. I just ask you, Lord to watch over him. I ask that you guide me in how I talk to him and how I interact with him, Father. Help me to say and do the right things. Put the right intention behind my actions, Lord God. I have hurt him so much and I feel the need to be the one who helps him now. I don't know, Father, if that is you working in my heart or if that is just me. I want to believe this is what you want for me to be doing. I tell myself that if YOU were not behind my actions right now that I would be angry and hurt when he talk to me about Ellona, but I am not, Lord. I just feel compassion and I just want to say the right words to make him feel better. If that isn't YOU working in me then I don't know what is.
Father, I ask so much of you, I know, but Luke says, "So I say to you: Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.". So, Lord, I am asking, I am seeking and I am knocking. Above all things, Father, I want to stay in Your Grace, I want to be in Your Will. I do not wish to do anything against Your plan for me, all you need do is make it known to me and I will do it Lord, I will say it, I will be it.
I love you God, I thank You. I give what is left of my life to You. Do with it what you will and I will continue to praise Your Holy name, Lord God. My Savior, my Healer, my Redeemer.
AMEN
Day 4 July 28, 2011
Point to Ponder: There is more to life than just here and now
Verse: "This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of god, you will live forever." 1 John 2:17 (NLT)
Question to Consider: since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?
When I did this book previously, I never got to this point. I am lost in should I answer this as the old me or the new me. For the old me, it would be easy, I would say, "stop being angry" and "start loving your family the way God wants you to love them". I wouldn't actually have said that though, because I was in denial that the problem was mine and not everyone else's. No, I probably would have put the book down and not answered it because it would have forced me to look at something I just was not ready to look at.
God, Lord Jesus, I have so many questions, more questions then this book has. Why have you saved me now? Why now after I have turned my back on you, after I mocked you to my friends and even my family? Why now? Why not a year ago before it was too late for Joe and I? Why allow me to continue hurting everyone when it was always in your power to slap me upside my head and make me stop behaving the way I was.
Why fill me with these feelings of confidence and patience now? They all needed it so long ago? What is your intention for me? What do you need me to do?
Don't you know I am hard headed? Don't you know you have to spell it out for me? What is the right thing, what is the wrong thing, I look for answers, but they all seem out of reach. What is what I want and what is what you want? Do I want it so badly because you are impressing it on my heart? Or am I just being stubborn? I really really need to know God because I don't want to go through any more pain and I don't want to put anyone else through anymore pain. I just want peace, joy and love. I want you Lord. What is your intention for me? Please help me to understand what you need from me.
Oh, I seem to have gotten very far away from the question Lord, but it is so hard to not know what is YOUR voice and what is MY desire.
The question is what would I stop doing and what would I start doing. I would stop being so self absorbed. I would try to be more still and to hear the Lord's desire for me and my life. I would want to live every day in service to Him and to my loved ones. Nothing is more important than God or my family. Nothing will ever get in the way of my relationship with my Father again.
Lord please, hear my cries for mercy from this journey I find myself on. I want only what you want but I am so unsure of what that is. I just wish I wasn't so dense.... I love you Father God, I love you so much and I am so, so thankful that you saved me from myself and that you have given me this opportunity to love you and appreciate your role in my life.
Thank you God, Thank you... Thank you.... there are just not enough words to say it,, thank you....
Verse: "This world is fading away, along with everything it craves. But if you do the will of god, you will live forever." 1 John 2:17 (NLT)
Question to Consider: since I was made to last forever, what is the one thing I should stop doing and the one thing I should start doing today?
When I did this book previously, I never got to this point. I am lost in should I answer this as the old me or the new me. For the old me, it would be easy, I would say, "stop being angry" and "start loving your family the way God wants you to love them". I wouldn't actually have said that though, because I was in denial that the problem was mine and not everyone else's. No, I probably would have put the book down and not answered it because it would have forced me to look at something I just was not ready to look at.
God, Lord Jesus, I have so many questions, more questions then this book has. Why have you saved me now? Why now after I have turned my back on you, after I mocked you to my friends and even my family? Why now? Why not a year ago before it was too late for Joe and I? Why allow me to continue hurting everyone when it was always in your power to slap me upside my head and make me stop behaving the way I was.
Why fill me with these feelings of confidence and patience now? They all needed it so long ago? What is your intention for me? What do you need me to do?
Don't you know I am hard headed? Don't you know you have to spell it out for me? What is the right thing, what is the wrong thing, I look for answers, but they all seem out of reach. What is what I want and what is what you want? Do I want it so badly because you are impressing it on my heart? Or am I just being stubborn? I really really need to know God because I don't want to go through any more pain and I don't want to put anyone else through anymore pain. I just want peace, joy and love. I want you Lord. What is your intention for me? Please help me to understand what you need from me.
Oh, I seem to have gotten very far away from the question Lord, but it is so hard to not know what is YOUR voice and what is MY desire.
The question is what would I stop doing and what would I start doing. I would stop being so self absorbed. I would try to be more still and to hear the Lord's desire for me and my life. I would want to live every day in service to Him and to my loved ones. Nothing is more important than God or my family. Nothing will ever get in the way of my relationship with my Father again.
Lord please, hear my cries for mercy from this journey I find myself on. I want only what you want but I am so unsure of what that is. I just wish I wasn't so dense.... I love you Father God, I love you so much and I am so, so thankful that you saved me from myself and that you have given me this opportunity to love you and appreciate your role in my life.
Thank you God, Thank you... Thank you.... there are just not enough words to say it,, thank you....
Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Day 3 July 27, 2011
Point to Ponder: Living on purpose is the path to peace
Verse: "You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." Isaiah 26:3 (tev)
Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?
This again, is not an easy question for me to answer. If I answer it according to what my family and friends know of me, I would have to say that they would not really be able to answer that question. I believe they would feel I had no driving force or that it was to stay as far away from them as possible. But that's not who I am today, today the driving force in my life is Christ. He will be the driving force in my life for the rest of my life because I have witnessed His healing power first hand and I know what my life was like before I opened my heart to His pure and powerful love.
What do I want the driving force to be in my life, exactly what I have at this moment. I want to stay in God's will and to never question where He leads me. I want to be a testimony to His love and His forgiveness. I want to bear witness to my friends and family and help them to see how God can really not only change your life but focus your heart in the right direction. My life today is so much more fulfilling than how I was living just two months ago.
I came from being empty and broken, angry and unkempt, to being who I am today. I am happier, healthier, more open, more forgiving, more loving, more giving. I just want to take the world into my arms and hug it. So different than where I was a short while ago.. God is awesome, more awesome then I could ever put into words.
Matt 22:37: Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
Verse: "You, Lord, give perfect peace to those who keep their purpose firm and put their trust in you." Isaiah 26:3 (tev)
Question to Consider: What would my family and friends say is the driving force of my life? What do I want it to be?
This again, is not an easy question for me to answer. If I answer it according to what my family and friends know of me, I would have to say that they would not really be able to answer that question. I believe they would feel I had no driving force or that it was to stay as far away from them as possible. But that's not who I am today, today the driving force in my life is Christ. He will be the driving force in my life for the rest of my life because I have witnessed His healing power first hand and I know what my life was like before I opened my heart to His pure and powerful love.
What do I want the driving force to be in my life, exactly what I have at this moment. I want to stay in God's will and to never question where He leads me. I want to be a testimony to His love and His forgiveness. I want to bear witness to my friends and family and help them to see how God can really not only change your life but focus your heart in the right direction. My life today is so much more fulfilling than how I was living just two months ago.
I came from being empty and broken, angry and unkempt, to being who I am today. I am happier, healthier, more open, more forgiving, more loving, more giving. I just want to take the world into my arms and hug it. So different than where I was a short while ago.. God is awesome, more awesome then I could ever put into words.
Matt 22:37: Jesus replied: ” ‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Day two- July 26th, 2011
Point to Ponder- I am not an accident
Verse- "I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born" Isaiah 44:2 (cev)
Questions: Knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?
If I look at things from the point of view that I am who I am because God wanted me this way, then I have a problem with that. I don't think God wanted me to be an angry, emotionally abusive person.. but then again, being that has brought me to where I am now. So let me think about this.
My personality, I think God always wanted me to be a loving and kind person but because of things that happened to me, I became angry and sullen and just not a nice person. I have trouble believing that God wanted me to hurt the people around me for any reason, so I feel that things that occurred when I was a child, the molestation, feeling emotionally abandoned by my mom, I think those things shaped my personality. I think that God wanted me to be who I am now and so he took that broken and destroyed woman and healed her. I think that God wanted me as I am now... so in love with Him and His word, so ready to do what ever He desires of me.
So that answers the personality and the background part of the question, as for my appearance, again, God made me beautiful, but I destroyed his work by eating like a pig and not taking care of myself. Now I just want to treat my body like the temple that God intended it to be. Everything I do now is for His Glory and to prove to him that I am worthy of the awesome blessings he has bestowed upon me.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Verse- "I am your Creator. You were in my care even before you were born" Isaiah 44:2 (cev)
Questions: Knowing that God uniquely created me, what areas of my personality, background, and physical appearance am I struggling to accept?
If I look at things from the point of view that I am who I am because God wanted me this way, then I have a problem with that. I don't think God wanted me to be an angry, emotionally abusive person.. but then again, being that has brought me to where I am now. So let me think about this.
My personality, I think God always wanted me to be a loving and kind person but because of things that happened to me, I became angry and sullen and just not a nice person. I have trouble believing that God wanted me to hurt the people around me for any reason, so I feel that things that occurred when I was a child, the molestation, feeling emotionally abandoned by my mom, I think those things shaped my personality. I think that God wanted me to be who I am now and so he took that broken and destroyed woman and healed her. I think that God wanted me as I am now... so in love with Him and His word, so ready to do what ever He desires of me.
So that answers the personality and the background part of the question, as for my appearance, again, God made me beautiful, but I destroyed his work by eating like a pig and not taking care of myself. Now I just want to treat my body like the temple that God intended it to be. Everything I do now is for His Glory and to prove to him that I am worthy of the awesome blessings he has bestowed upon me.
Matthew 6:33 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Day one July 25, 2011
Thinking about my purpose
Point to ponder- It's not about me
Verse- "Everything got started in Him and finds its purpose in Him"
Col 1:16b
Question to consider: In spite of all the advertising around me, how can I remind myself that life is really about living for God, not myself?
I don't really understand what advertising has to do with knowing that my life is about living for God's will. Unless it is talking about the need to attain things. Things are not important to me. What I want is no longer important to me. I have lived my life according to my wants, desires and whims and it got me nowhere. It is easy to remember to live for God's will because my life is His and not mine. Every morning I wake up and after reading my Bible (online), I pray and my prayer always starts out with thanks for freeing me from where I have been and then asking what He wants of me today. Or I ask Him to guide me to what He wants for me.
That is not to say that I don't still want certain things, but I am willing to accept that I may never get those things because God may not want them for me. I pray for the strength to go where He may want me to go and do what He may want me to do. Some times I feel like Jonah, I know God wants something of me, but I fear what that may be. I fear I may not be able to live up to it. I just pray that I can...
"For everything comes from him and exists by his power and is intended for his glory. All glory to him forever! Amen." Romans 11:36 NLT
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